Dear Eugene Mirman,

I read your letter to Time Warner Cable in the New York Press. (http://www.nypress.com/blog-9006-eugene-mirman-takes-on-time-warner-cable.html) I noticed you also had a beef with Delta Airlines for losing your luggage. While we all get bothered from time to time, let me remind you how amazing it is that we get to live in a world with airplane travel. But as far as cable TV goes, since LOST ended and the syfy channel gave up sci-fi, there’s nothing really on worth watching so until they give you and I our own TV shows, I’d suggest giving it up.

Like most New Yorkers, I’ve been trying to leave this city for years, and one of my 72 reasons is that I wish to break my attraction to our unique brand of humor here, one based primarily on complaining. This complaint-bonding is one thing I’ll be glad to escape, and paradoxically miss, if I do ever get off this island. (btw, LOST really did explain reality)

I have come up with alternate blessings to each of your suggested plagues that I hope New Yorkers will unite with me to provide.

Awkward: You mentioned that nobody is home on a Wednesday afternoon. I understand that it’s awkward to wait around all day. I would like to form a brigade of writers, actors, bloggers, and the unemployed in each borough who voluntarily (or by donation) wait in your apartment for the UPS or the cable guy to arrive. Maybe we’ll walk your dog too.

Bathroom: The water here is filled with fluoride. They say it prevents tooth decay, but a lot of folks are saying it’s actually quite unhealthy. I’ve purchased a water filter that takes it out. Anyone who wants a glass of water, and is in the east village, give me a shout.

Improv. I’d like to create an under-cover short form improv group that, rather than performing in a comedy club for applause, does anonymous, random acts of kindness.

Popcorn. Hot buttered popcorn is like $5, and it’s not even real butter. I don’t have a solution for that, I just wanted to point it out. Actually, I’d suggest we all go vegan. There are plenty of fake meat and cheese options and it’s the one, biggest thing you can do to reduce your carbon footprint on the planet.

Sincerely,

Jordan Schachter

P.S.  If anyone wants to hear more serious ideas about how our search for happiness is what prevents it, please visit www.betruelove.com - the content is free.

P.P.S Eugene, I’m pleased to offer you a session with an amazing hypno-therapist. She can help with dieting, smoking, past-life regression, trauma reversal, and in your case perhaps: stress reduction. For you, it’d be completely free, and for anyone who mentions my name, you will get a significantly discounted fee (www.jenniferehman.weebly.com),

P.P.P.S Life is short.

This blog is posted on my site at
http://www.betruelove.com/blog-dear-eugene-mirman.html