Do you feel the need to protect your self-esteem, gain respect, or defend yourself?

In life we often feel compelled to defend ourselves. If not ourselves, we may need to defend another person, a belief, or a cause. This can lead us to be attached to an image of ourselves, and a need to maintain that image. This can all happen without us realizing its an image, and not who we truly are. But what is the purpose of that image? I would suggest that all the self-images the mind generates are intended to bring love in the form of affection, respect, power, independence, control or belonging.

If we think affection, respect, power, independence, control or belonging are the same as love (they aren't), we become attached to the image that promises to deliver them. We completely forget that we are the awareness beneath it. Even if we are successful in our self-defense, even if the other person respects us, pays us back, shows gratitude, or expresses affection, all we have done is reinforce the illusory story. All our actions, if they come from the belief that love is conditional and comes from acting (or resisting acting), will be used to create, maintain, and defend an illusory image. If our efforts succeed in bolstering this image - our avatar - then we have gained nothing.

On the other hand if we act from love, see our minds as our lovesick child, then we don't need to make ourselves, or the other person, wrong. We can celebrate ourselves and others. We can feel compassion for our mind (and the mind of the other) as it seeks respect, repayment, gratitude, or affection. From this loving place our actions won't driven by a need to reinforce our illusory image, and thus won't perpetuate the illusory story.

But how to get there? Often we feel we need others to act a certain way. Maybe we want respect or appreciation. We know there are actions we can take to increase our self esteem. We judge events to see if it increases or decreases that self-image. It's a gift when you spot the mind flipping between good news to bad news. For example, you hold the door open for someone and you feel like you are (or seeking confirmation that you are) a kind person. Then they pass through the door and you don't get thanked! You suddenly feel disrespected or ignored. The change was so rapid, that we are more apt to ask, “What is it that felt great, then suddenly got crushed?”

It is our image. An image that is apparently quite fragile. It can be tossed like a ship on rough waters. A kind word and it floats, a nasty comment and it sinks. But this serves to highlight the illusion. These determinations are all happening in the mind, and you are not the mind.

The way to catch this is, the moment you see your mind judging yourself, another or a situation ask:

"To whom is this (bad or good) news happening?"
"What conclusion is being drawn about me based on this (bad or good news).
“Who is determining it's good or bad?”
“Who is reacting that conclusion about whom?

You will see that beneath all this judging - nobody is there! You are the non-thing, the pure awareness watching the mind get annoyed, or pleased, by the phenomenon. It's all being interpreted in the mind.

When we stop judging the thoughts, we can see them as merely phenomenon that are arising.

Outside of catching the judging mind in action, the practice is simply this: Constantly ask, "What is happening right now?" and then responding without judgment, "Oh, this is happening."

If a judgment arises, that's what is happening. Then we can use engage the four steps above. As we build the reflex to examine who is making the judgments, and who is the supposed entity that is being judged, we don’t turn that exam into anything. It is simply what is happening. If you feel a sense of relief or pride that you caught the thought rather than being seduced or duped by it, you notice that relief or pride. It's a constant stepping back. No rewards, no punishments, simply a stepping back. We do this over and over every moment. We let that back step move us forward through time. This replaces the customary method of constant evaluation the image and calculating what we need to do to change, defend or reinforce the image. The mind is using that image to find love through objects, but we are providing it love directly so it will no longer have that need.

With this combination of awareness and self-acceptance, we no longer need anything to be different. We may notice sadness and anger arise in the mind and:

- we may see it transmuted into compassion
- or we avoid identification with sadness or anger, but there is no compassion,
- or we may notice we are completely identified.

There need not be any prize or punishment assigned to any of these three; we simply step back from identification by noticing the mind’s activity. We surrender the need for any result. This is why it’s called a practice. Through repetition, the antics of our mind is likely to become a little less heavy, and perhaps even quite amusing.